| As a free service to the readers (and writers) of
alt.fiction.original, I will periodically post short pieces on the basic
conventions of punctuation and grammar. If I am aware of differences in
British and American usage,
I'll note that. But I don't claim to be an expert in either. I'm
doing this because, as writers, it is essential that we be familiar with
the tools of our trade and how to use them correctly. If you are
unfamiliar with these tools and their use, I strongly urge you to invest
in a Style Guide or to attend classes in writing which stress proper
sentence structure and punctuation. These little seminars of mine should
be of some help, but don't rely on them exclusively. Since I shamelessly
stole most of the information from other sources, however, it should be
correct!
Today's lesson: The Comma, Part 1
1. Use a comma to separate the clauses of a compound sentence
connected by a coordinating conjunction:
Both Peter and George have submitted their picture to the AFO Who's
Who, and Peter's picture shows his distinctive red eyes.
Exception: the comma may be omitted in short compound sentences:
Peter lives in Ireland and George lives in England.
2. Use a comma to separate two or more adjectives modifying the same
noun if 'and' could be used between them without altering the meaning:
a small, narrow cage
_however_
a brushed chrome revolver
3. Use a comma to set off words used to introduce a sentence:
No, I didn't eat the wolverines.
Well, let's see if this old iron maiden still works!
4. Use a comma to set off transitional words and short expressions
that require a pause in reading or speaking:
Unfortunately, he didn't survive the operation.
He couldn't speak with his tongue removed, of course.
I do, after all, have my standards.
5. Use a comma to set off a subordinate clause or a long phrase that
precedes a principal clause:
By the time the executioner rested, most of the day's backlog was
cleared.
Of all the methods I employed, the most enjoyable involved low
voltages.
6. Use a comma to set off non-restrictive clauses or phrases (not
essential to the meaning of the sentence):
The blade, which entered his chest, emerged from his back.
Don't use a comma if the phrase or clause is restrictive (essential
to the meaning of the sentence):
The blade which entered his chest emerged from his back; the other
blade barely pierced his arm.
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Today's Lesson: The Comma (Part 2)
Commas are probably the most misused of all the punctuation marks.
Here are some don'ts:
1. The Comma Splice. Don't use commas to separate independent clauses
unless they are joined by a conjunction:
WRONG: Alexis laughed when she read doc's pathetic attempt at grammar
lessons, she's still convinced he was a fool to try.
WRONG: Alexis laughed when she read doc's pathetic attempt at grammar
lessons and she's still convinced he was a fool to try.
RIGHT: Alexis laughed when she read doc's pathetic attempt at grammar
lessons, but she's not laughing so loud since her little dog
disappeared.
NOTE: An independent clause can stand as a sentence by itself. A
dependent clause needs an independent clause to support it.
DEPENDENT CLAUSE: Unless his fingers miraculously grow back.
INDEPENDENT CLAUSE: Peter's eye-poking days are over.
2. The Run-On (or Fused) Sentence. Don't place one independent clause
after another without punctuation:
WRONG: James Acton dismissed my masterpiece he thought it was inane.
RIGHT: James Acton loved my masterpiece, and he thought it was true
art. The horse's head he found in his bed had nothing to do with it.
3. Don't use a comma between a subject and its verb:
WRONG: Many of Khaine's stories, are considered to be science
fiction.
RIGHT: Many of Khaine's stories are considered to be science fiction.
4. Don't use a comma to separate the elements of a compound verb:
WRONG: Sooz wrote a very long story about children at a fair, and
posted the installments to AFO.
RIGHT: Sooz wrote a very long story about children at a fair and
posted the installments to AFO.
NOTE: I called the above example a compound verb (Sooz wrote and
posted...). It could also be considered a sentence with a dependent
clause (...and posted the installments to AFO). In either case, a comma
is unnecessary.
5. Don't use a comma after the last item in a series:
WRONG: Cedric, Steve, Antti, and Dave, decided they weren't going to
eat the moose-guts pie.
RIGHT: Cedric, Steve, Antti, and Dave decided they were going to eat
the moose-guts pie. Alexis can be very...persuasive.
6. Don't use commas to set off words, phrases, or clauses that are
essential to the meaning of the sentence (restrictive elements):
WRONG: The short story, "The Other Half", demonstrates Kieran's sense
of humor.
RIGHT: The short story "The Other Half" demonstrates that Kieran
should be kept in a padded cell.
7. Don't use commas before quotations introduced by 'that' or 'if':
WRONG: Erica said that, she's been too busy to post to AFO.
RIGHT: Erica said that she's been too busy to post to AFO. Do the
words "horse's head" mean anything to you, Erica?
That's all for now. More on commas in the future, alas! And my
Nemesis can't wait for me to tackle semi-colons and dashes. I can hear
her cackling in glee as she prepares her little traps for me. Why did I
ever get into this?
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Today's lesson: The Apostrophe
1. Use an apostrophe to indicate the possessive case:
Why Peter has red eyes is anyone's guess.
My aunt's husband is buried in the cellar.
My three sisters' husbands are buried there, too.
NOTE: The use of an 's with words ending in /s/ or /z/ sounds usually
depends on whether the syllable formed is pronounceable. If it can be
pronounced, use 's. Otherwise, use the apostrophe but don't add the /s/.
Major Knox's arm was lost in battle.
Aristophanes' play put Django right into a coma.
NOTE: Do NOT use an apostrophe to indicate the possessive case of the
word 'it'. The apostrophe is used to indicate a contraction, instead.
Its claws were long and sharp. [possessive form]
It's time for the badger-chili cookoff. [contraction of 'it is']
2. Use an apostrophe to indicate the omission of letters in
contractions:
The execution is scheduled for 10 o'clock.
Why don't we just hang him?
3. Use an apostrophe to indicate omission of numerals in dates:
The Gun Control Act of '68 made it much more difficult to obtain
decent automatic weapons.
4. Use an apostrophe to form plurals of letters, numerals, and words
referred to as words:
Always dot your i's and cross your t's if your teacher is a
psychopath.
I rolled 7's three times in a row but I still lost my mother's
funeral expenses.
Since she lost her tongue, she's had problem pronouncing her the's.
5. Use an apostrophe to indicate joint possession when used with two
or more nouns in a series:
Doc and Gene's escape from the asylum was barely noticed when Kieran
set fire to the joint.
6. Use an apostrophe to indicate individual possession when used with
each of two or more nouns in a sentence:
Doc's, Gene's, and Kieran's punishments were considered fair by
everyone except them.
Have a great weekend!
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The Comma (Part 3)
1. Use commas to set off direct quotations:
With a mad gleam in his eye, Kieran wrote, "All work and no play
makes Kieran a dull boy."
"Get the net," remarked Gene, watching Kieran carefully.
NOTE: The comma always comes before the quotation mark.
2. Use commas to set off the year from the day:
The Y2K bug hits on January 1, 2000.
NOTE: Don't use commas if dates are written in day-month-year order:
Todak is 2 Januark 2000. Whk was everbodk worrking about K2K, ankwak?
NOTE: If only the month and year are given, no comma is necessary:
January 2000 will always be remembered as The Month The Computers
Didn't Work and We All Ran Out of Toilet Paper.
3. Use commas to indicate omitted words:
To err is human; to forgive, divine; to forget, impossible. Keep that
in mind, Higney; keep that in mind.
4. Use commas to separate names in direct address:
Isn't it nice, Alexis, that we can put aside our differences and work
together harmoniously to make Django's life a living hell?
5. Use commas to separate sentence elements that might be
misunderstood if the comma was missing:
Some time after, the date for Daphne's "accident" was agreed upon.
6. Use commas to separate the words 'yes', 'no', interjections, and
tag questions from the rest of the sentence:
Yes, Erica, there is a Santa Claus.
No, he won't be coming this year. Peter duct-taped him to his cellar
wall, and, alas, his reindeer are missing.
"Say, reindeer tastes a lot like chicken, doesn't it?" James laughed
merrily.
7. Use commas to separate sentence elements that provide contrast:
Americans, unlike the British, are not very fond of Marmite. They'd
sooner eat possum boogers.
Gene-Michael Higney prefers to be called Gene, not "you idiot". Good
luck.
Well, that does it for today. Remember, commas are your friends.
Though normally shy creatures, they can be successfully domesticated
with a minimum of fuss if you just follow these few simple rules. But
ignore them at your peril: left unchecked, commas can run rampant
through your documents, ruining your otherwise fine stories. And I'll be
upset with you. You don't want me to be upset with you, do you? <smiles
sweetly and strops razor>
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Today's Lesson: The Colon
1. Use a colon before a list:
When the leader said to pack lightly, Mot took inventory of his
backpack's contents: food, water, first-aid kit, lucky rhinoceros foot,
compass, flashlight, and Playboy magazine. Yup, the compass would have
to go.
2. Use a colon before a long quotation:
Despite her apparent animosity, Alexis showed her heartfelt concern
for me in her latest e-mail: "Listen, you pathetic little worm, if you
don't stop pestering and stalking me, I'm going to reach down your
throat, pull out your intestines, and strangle your worthless butt!"
You have to kind of read in between the lines, there.
3. Use a colon before an emphatic statement:
Jasjit, Antti, and Sime had the same reaction to doc's grammar
lessons: gaaack!
4. Use a colon to explain, amplify, or summarize:
Peter, Kieran, and Gene have a unique outlook on life: chained to the
ceiling and upside down.
5. Use colons as casings for stuffing sausages:
Italian Sausage Recipe
Amount Measure Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
6 pounds fresh pork - cubed
2 tablespoons fennel seeds
1 tablespoon black pepper freshly ground
4 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
6 leaves fresh basil -- chopped
1 teaspoon oregano
1 cup grated Parmesan cheese
Sausage casings (pork colons)
Place pork, fennel, black pepper, parsley, basil, oregano,
and cheese in large bowl and mix well. Using a food processor,
grind pork mixture. Use a pastry tube to fill casing. Twist
into links. Repeat until all meat is used. Cook immediately
or freeze. Makes 30 to 35 sausages.
6. Colons should be used between hours and minutes, between chapter
and verse, and after formal salutations:
The clock on the barroom wall read 1:50, almost closing time. You
better buy me a double this time, hon, 'cause you're still ugly.
Whenever I'm sad, I turn for solace to Beelzebub 8: 26-35.
Dear Mr. Wingnut:
I enclose a copy of a bill for an oil change at your establishment.
Had I known that I would be charged for the entire Saudi oil production
for 1999, I would have wrapped a towel around my head and traded in my
car for a camel.
7. The mistake most often made when using the colon is placing it
after a linking verb (are, were, shall, should be, etc.). Make sure that
what comes before the colon is a complete sentence in itself.
WRONG: Erica said that her three favorite authors are: James, Sue,
and Khaine.
RIGHT: Erica said that her favorite author is doc.
(Oh, okay, I'll play it straight)
RIGHT: Erica said that she has three favorite authors: James, Sue,
and Khaine.
That's it for today. Enjoy your colons and don't forget to use them
correctly. Or else.
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Today's Lesson: The Semicolon
The semicolon is a thing of beauty when used correctly; yet, you
seldom see them. Check out the stories in AFO; you'll find commas and
apostrophes galore. Semicolons are rare beasts; they shouldn't be.
(Okay, I kind of overdid it, but I hope you get the point.)
1. Use a semicolon to separate independent clauses in place of a
comma plus conjunction (conjunctions: and, or, but, for, because, since,
if, while, when, although, etc.):
Brian Wilmott is the Webmaster for the AFO archives, and he updates
it frequently.
Brian Wilmott is the Webmaster for the AFO archives; he updates it
frequently.
Gene-Michael Higney belongs in an insane asylum, because he's a
whacked-out, loony, nut-boy.
Gene-Michael Higney belongs in an insane asylum; he's a whacked-out,
loony, nut-boy.
2. Use a semicolon to join two related independent clauses
(sentences):
The stories in AFO can be witty or profound. Doc is a master at both.
The stories in AFO can be witty or profound; doc is a master at both.
(Yeah, I'm beating my own drum; grammarians need love, too. <snif>)
NOTE: Don't get carried away in your new love affair with the
semicolon.
The independent clauses, or sentences, to be joined should be
related:
WRONG: Dark Knight made a very impressive entry into AFO; Sue's
latest story is her longest one yet.
RIGHT: Dark Knight made a very impressive entry into AFO. Sue's story
is her longest one yet.
3. Use a semicolon when conjunctive adverbs separate independent
clauses (conjunctive adverbs: however, therefore, yet, hence, besides,
whereas, consequently, nevertheless, otherwise, moreover, etc.):
Alexis was unable to post to AFO; however, her new newsreader solved
that problem.
Mot wasn't worried about paying off his Mafia gambling debts;
besides, he kind of liked his new concrete overshoes.
Kieran accidentally released the bubonic plague bacteria into the
packed auditorium; otherwise, it was a pretty boring day.
Peter had a difficult time making himself understood to the
Portuguese travel agent; consequently, he found himself dodging mortar
rounds in Lebanon instead of sunning himself in Lisbon.
4. Use semicolons to prevent confusion:
The AFO Awards went to Cedric, Best Short Fiction; James, Best
Fiction Series; Gene, Best Reviews; and doc, Village Idiot.
All of my arms and ammunition; the 9mm with the hollow-points; the
.38 Smith & Wesson, including the .357 Magnum rounds; the bazooka and
rockets; the .22 sniper rifle; the shotguns, both the 12 and 20 gauge,
and the shells; and even the fragmentation grenades, were confiscated
when the airport metal detector alarmed.
5. Don't use semicolons to separate (or join) dependent clauses:
WRONG: Erica has been busy elsewhere; not posting to AFO for months.
RIGHT: Erica has been busy elsewhere, not posting to AFO for months.
RIGHT: Erica has been busy elsewhere; she hasn't posted to AFO in
months.
RIGHT: Erica has been busy elsewhere; hence, she hasn't posted to AFO
in months. Let's get with the program, Erica!
REMEMBER: Independent clauses are sentences in themselves. They can
be joined by semicolons if they are related.
That's all for now. Stay tuned for the next topic, that jack of all
trades:
the dash.
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Today's Lesson: The Dash
The dash is a specialized punctuation mark that serves specific
purposes. Type it by using two hyphens with no space at either end: here
it is--the dash.
1. Use a dash to stress a word or phrase at the end of a sentence:
At the risk of incurring Higney's wrath, I can think of only one word
to describe Gene's reviews--beautiful.
Are you afraid to make punctuation errors because of my articles?
Come, come! I have no teeth--I have fangs.
2. Use a dash to mark an interrupted or unfinished construction:
"It was an honest mistake," Sue said, "you see, I'm--"
"You're what?" demanded the Inquisitor.
"Well, I'm--I--you see, I'm comma-impaired, and I--"
"Off with her head!"
3. Use a dash to set off a summary or a conclusion:
Peter got Santa drunk, shaved his beard, and stole his wallet; Kieran
added Rudolph to his stuffed reindeer collection; Gene proclaimed
himself King of the Elves and led them in revolt; Mot convinced Mrs.
Claus to be his groupie and taught her dirty dancing--the AFO Christmas
party was a huge success.
4. Use a pair of dashes to set off a pronounced interruption:
At the meeting, Alexis insisted--and she can be quite adamant--that
propriety be maintained. Then she sat down on the whoopee cushion.
Sime's response to doc's critique---and you can quote me--- was "phbbbbttt".
As you can see, the dash can be used to replace other punctuation--if
you're looking for emphasis. But don't overdo it--because if you do--
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Today's Lesson: The Ellipsis
The ellipsis (plural: ellipses) is another of those often misused
punctuations, not because it is used erroneously--although it is--but
because it is often written or typed incorrectly. I hope that the
following examples will help.
1. Use an ellipsis to indicate, by three spaced dots, the omission of
one or more words within a quotation:
I stepped forth boldly and told Alexis, "And if it weren't for the
fact...that you were once a female jock, I would gladly go three rounds
with you... I shall pass on that."
2. Use an ellipsis to indicate, by four spaced dots, the omission of
one or more words at the end of a quotation:
In her reply to my challenge, Alexis said, "Not to worry...Boxing was
never my thing...."
3. Never omit words to change the original meaning of a source:
My heart soared when Alexis said those Three Little Words, "...Want
to wrestle?"
4. In fiction, an ellipsis may be used to indicate incomplete or
trailing statements, hesitation, or a long pause (but use it sparingly
to be effective):
The above is an example of a dishonest quote, where Alexis' words and
phrases were omitted to serve my own lecherous purposes. On the other
hand...
My face still stinging from her resounding slap, I desperately called
to her, "Wait! What I meant was..." But she slammed the door before I
could finish.
NOTE: In the above instances, only three spaced dots are used because
the sentence is incomplete. The fourth dot always stands for a period,
or full stop. Used properly in quotations, the fourth dot may be
replaced by a question mark or an exclamation point, as appropriate.
She seemed pretty upset with me, but the thought that I may have
guessed correctly was...intriguing.
Whew! That's it for ellipses and not a moment too soon. I might be in
a lot of hot water after this one. But then again...
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Today's Lesson: The Hyphen
Here is another little punctuation mark that we sometimes use when we
shouldn't and not use when we should.
1. Use a hyphen to divide words that don't fit at the end of a typed
or printed line:
NOTE 1: Hyphens are always placed between syllables. Don't break
one-syllable words. If a word can't or shouldn't be hyphenated, move the
word to the next line.
WRONG: Peter gazed in the mirror at his red eyes and he thou-
ght they were quite attractive.
RIGHT: Peter gazed in the mirror at his red eyes and he thought
he'd better lay off the Guinness for awhile.
NOTE 2: Don't isolate one or two letters on a line and don't
hyphenate proper nouns.
WRONG: The Dean thought he was making quite a dignified impression
until Ki-
eran gave him a hotfoot.
RIGHT: The Dean thought he was making quite a favorable impression on
Kieran when he had him flogged.
2. Use a hyphen for some compound nouns. A compound noun consists of
two or more words that function as a single word. Compound nouns may be
open
(cheap bastard), closed (tightwad), or hyphenated (penny-pincher).
You may have to consult your dictionary for the proper usage:
Was doc a know-nothing, a dim bulb, or a nitwit? The controversy
still rages.
3. Use a hyphen when a noun and its modifiers create a single
meaning:
Alexis liked to drag her victims to an out-of-the-way spot before
consuming them.
4. Use a hyphen to form words with the prefixes all-, ex-, and self-
and with the suffix -elect:
With the voting only a day away, Gene burned with an all-consuming
desire to be the Chief Loony-elect.
Sue wore a self-deprecating smile as she backed her car over her
ex-husband. Twice.
5. Use a hyphen to join prefixes to proper nouns:
In the post-Acton era, the death penalty was routinely prescribed for
spammers.
Brian considered it downright un-English when Parliament outlawed
personal nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons.
6. Use a hyphen for clarity when the last letter of the prefix and
the first letter of the root word are the same (or when the first letter
of the suffix and the last letter of the root word are the same):
The anti-infanticide laws were almost repealed when doc was born.
The audience was entranced by Jane's rendition of "Eres Tu" in her
troll-like tones.
7. Use a hyphen to remove ambiguity:
The first things Mot did on his release was re-lease his old
apartment and rebuild his reactor.
Michael Breslau convinced the parole board that he had reformed. They
had their doubts when he re-formed his gang of chicken rustlers.
Oh yes, cardinal and ordinal numbers (look it up) between twenty-one
and ninety-nine need hyphens, and compound last names (Ms. Jane
Owlde-McDonald-Hattifarme) require them too.
Have fun with hyphens, but use them correctly! Don't make me come
over there.
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