I've never done one of these before... the closest I've come to having my life story told was coming up with an alibi for last Thursday night, when I was in the pub and you all saw me, right? The gun, knife, candlestick, iron bar and length of rope were all in the attic when I moved in.

So who am I? My real name is Alan Stevenson, but 'Alan' always sounded a bit wet to me as a kid, and friends began calling me Steve, and so now only my wife calls me by my proper name. I use the tag 'Hey Baby' as a direct result of watching Beavis and Butthead, a symptom of my one serious mental problem. To whit: as I've grown older, the cartoon character I most want to be has gotten younger. As a child, I wanted to grow up to be Captain Caveman, by my early twenties it was Homer J. Now I just want to become Cartman.

I'm English, married to a Scotswoman, so I've done my bit for the third world. I consider myself a 'new man' as I change our baby son's nappies. The wet ones, anyway: if there's something a little more solid in there, I manage to go and... erm... wrestle alligators, a comon pastime in southern England.

My reading material is mainly fantasy, horror, mythology, religious and ancient historical argument and WW1 poetry, though I am partial to modern thrillers. I also have a morbid interest in Jack the Ripper, the Kennedy assassination, and the Manson Family. My writing tends to reflect all of this.

And tha'ss about it. I won't tell you about my love of Tranmere Rovers FC, of the NEC Harlequins Rugby Club or climbing cliffs just to jump into the sea, as it's none of your damn business.

Oh, and the cat was, until the birth of my son, the most important non-drinkable thing in my life.